i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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