I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
