Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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