i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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