yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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