first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
