it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
4 words: hood of his car
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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