I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
