just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
