I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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