my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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