TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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