I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
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I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.