I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
