considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
