I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
