I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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