I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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