Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
