yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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