What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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