I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
