I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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