dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
