Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
