please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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