Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.