Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God