I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine