Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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