i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
