so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
