I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We are all done wearing pants today
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
