Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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