nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
