she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
