Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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