Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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