I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
