...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
