whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
