8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i think my cat just said my name.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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