1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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