I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
