I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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