if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We need to get me chipped asap
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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