I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The best revenge is premature balding
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..