Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.