No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
