I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
