four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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