My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
