I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
