I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
