He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
