does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
