No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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