why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
